Everyone wants a fairytale relationship, right? Handsome man rescues a beautiful woman, the two live happily-ever-after, ya-da, ya-da, ya-da. But I don’t know about you – I haven’t seen a whole lot of that going on in our society anymore. Every once in a great while, you meet a couple that is delightfully at peace, unified in purpose and desire, still in love with each other and living victoriously – but not nearly as frequently as God intended. We don’t even tend to see true friendships anymore. Why? As strange as it sounds, I think the answer lies embedded in the story of Samson and Delilah.
As I was reading their story this week, I was really challenged. Instead of finding a familiar, though strange story, about a man whose life course seemed to be determined by every woman he met, I was confronted with weaknesses and tendencies I’ve noticed (and hated) in myself and other women seeking relational bliss with their spouses and their best friends. See, God gave us this story to help us out, to teach us what not to do.
Let’s take a look, beginning in Judges 16:15 at what we can learn about relational health. Though it is clear from previous verses that Delilah was simply trying to manipulate Samson, she gives us an important glimpse into why some relationships fail. In the New Berkeley translation, she asks him, “How can you say, ‘I love you,’ when you do not confide in me?” The ERV says, “when you don’t even trust me?” You see, trust is one of the key foundations of a healthy relationship. The Clear Word paraphrase of this verse says that Delilah said, “You’ve lied to me three times now. You say you’re sorry, but you keep right on lying. You keep telling me that you love me, but I don’t believe you anymore …” If the other person in your friendship/relationship is continuously breaking their promises, lying, or otherwise hurting your heart, it will be almost impossible to build a healthy, God-honoring relationship. Proverbs 20:6 warns us to be careful in this regard. In the CEV, it says, “There are many who say, ‘You can trust me!’ But can they be trusted?” A relationship without trust is unsafe, doomed to waver unsteadily upon every wave of trouble that comes, and though it is not good to be overly suspicious of people, it is important to be discerning about who should really to be trusted with your heart. Proverbs 31:11, in the God’s Word Translation, tells us that in a godly relationship, a husband can “trust [his wife] with all his heart, and he does not lack anything good.” This is what God-honoring relationships look like – friendships and marriages alike; each person is able to entrust their entire heart to the other without being hurt, without the fear of being let down. 1 Corinthians 13:7 in the Hayford translation drives this point home, by telling us that, “Love believes the best about others, credits them with good intentions, and is not suspicious.” In other words, love trusts. If we want healthy relationships, this is where it must start – with mutual trust, no matter how vulnerable and scary it seems.
This same verse, in a couple different translations reveals even more about this issue of trust. The last half of the verse in the ERV says, “This is the third time you made me look foolish” (emphasis mine). The Living Bible says it this way, “You’ve made fun of me three times now.” It’s difficult to trust someone who is continuously ridiculing you, making a public mockery of you. Trusting your heart with someone who belittles your dreams, attacks your beliefs and convictions, and otherwise makes you feel like withdrawing – it is not wise, and makes it impossible to form lasting, healthy relationships.
Verses sixteen and seventeen reveal some of the common communication problems people experience, the ones that will drive a wedge between two people faster than just about anything else. In the New Berkeley translation, those verses say that, “So it came about after she nagged him daily and kept urging him without stopping until his soul was wearied to death …” The Fenton translation said that when she had “worn him out by talking every day, and worried and exhausted his life to death …” The Knox translation said, “Thus she did torment him, plying him with questions day after day, and giving him no peace, till at last she crushed his spirit altogether, and made life a burden to him.” How many of you know that being around someone who nags, worries, tormenting people makes life a little more difficult to endure? How many of you would choose to spend time with people like that? I know I wouldn’t! It’s draining! People like that are like vacuums, sucking the life and joy out of the people around them. I don’t know why more women seem to struggle with this than men do. But women, let’s face it – most of us have the propensity to nag, to talk excessively and worry and give people no peace, especially when we want something. News flash: this is not godly. God has not called us to be Holy Spirit junior in our relationships, continuously harping and nagging to get people to do what we think they should do. Trust God to do the work, and leave people alone. Have you forgotten what Jesus said about the dangers of trying to take a speck out of our neighbors’ eye without removing the log from our own (Matthew 7:1-5)? People should not be stressed to be around us, afraid we’re going to nit-pick at them and make their lives miserable. John and Stasi Eldredge have this to say about a Delilah-type woman:
“A woman who is striving invites others to strive. The message – sometimes implicit in her actions, sometimes explicit through her words – is, ‘Get your act together. Life is uncertain. There is no time for your heart here. Shape up. Get busy. That’s what is important.’ She does not say, All is well. All shall be well. Her fear doesn’t allow it. She is withholding the very things her world needs.”[1]
Needless to say, this is not what our relationships need from us. This kind of behavior and lifestyle will only push people farther away from us, crushing any chance for lasting healthy relationships. The people in our lives need something far different from us. As the Eldredges continue,
“By contrast a woman whose heart is at rest invites others to rest … Compare that to what it’s like to come into a beautiful place – a garden or meadow or quiet beach. You find room for your soul. It expands. You can breathe again. You can rest. It is good. That is what it is like to be with a beautiful woman. You are free to be you. It is one of life’s greatest gifts.”[2]
This kind of inner beauty, the restfulness of a character at peace in who we are – that is what the world needs from us, ladies. Our friends, boyfriends or husbands, don’t need us to nag. They need us to cultivate a spirit of restfulness and joy. They need us to be like the Proverbs 31 woman in verses 25-26, which say, “She is strong and graceful, as well as cheerful about the future. Her words are sensible, and her advice thoughtful” (CEV). Notice she doesn’t worry, nag, or bitterly bark out demands of those near her.
In verses 17-19, we learn a few final lessons about relationships from Samson and Delilah. First of all, we learn that in order for a relationship to be successful, we cannot be in the business of exposing each others’ weaknesses. I think most of us take this for granted. Very few of us would think of telling our friends’/spouses’ weaknesses to their natural enemies, inviting attack. We shudder at the thought of inviting spiritual attack, even, and wouldn’t consider telling the devil how to draw them away from their walk with the Lord. And yet, how many of us cut them down with our words? Make sport of their weaknesses and shortcomings in front of others, and therefore open the door for them to be wounded and pained? How many of us have tried to talk friends out of radical steps in their faith, and therefore dooming them to a life in slavery to others’ expectations and mediocrity? Verse nineteen in the Fenton translation says that Delilah invited the Philistines to cut his hair and she, “broke and degraded him.” In the New Life Version it says, “She began to hurt him.” The New Berkeley says that this is how she “began to control him” and that immediately afterwards, his “strength left him.” It follows a progression. Degrading comments hurt people, make them feel dominated, and bully them into living powerless lives.
So, what does the story of Samson and Delilah really teach us about relationships? About how to find the happily-ever-afters God wants us to have? About being good friends?
- Begin with a foundation of trust – and be trustworthy yourself.
- Avoid making other people look foolish – protect their hearts and emotions.
- Avoid nagging, excessive worrying, and tormenting people with questions. Practice developing a restful personality, one that makes others feel comfortable being themselves.
- And do not degrade, hurt, or try to control those around you. Allow them the freedom to pursue God’s best for you.
Anything less than this in our relationships has the potential to lead to bondage, mediocrity, lukewarmness or other undesirable spiritual effects, and the death of the relationship. It’s dangerous!
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